If I listened to my fragile ego, I would quit everything.

It is time to write.  I last wrote (in this context) in February.  We are approaching the 1 year anniversary of the time when I created this blog.  I had a launch goal of October 2020, and I made it.  Woo-hoo!

Like so many things, I had a vision at the time.  “I will do a monthly blog entry!”  “I will post and update classes and workshops!”  “I will have a newsletter!” “I will create new revenue streams through my blog!” “I will keep it current and fresh!” “I will be open and transparent!” “I will create for creativity's sake!” “I will share my authentic self, and be unattached to specific outcomes!” “I will live the process!”

And of course the big one: “2021 will be better!”   
That last one is a doozie!  The rest is largely the same chatter that I have in my mind on any given day, at any given moment.  And daily, I whittle it down to what must be done, what can be done, what doesn’t have to be done right now, and what  I WANT to be done. And then I go from there, finding a space, some place between the constructs of ‘reality,’ and the freedoms of the mind, that do in fact, create real world space.
But didn’t we all do that though? Whatever our circumstance was in 2020, and we know we didn’t see THAT coming, didn’t we all say “Ok, I got this, at least 2021 will be better?” I know some of you, my dear intelligent friends, might not have, as you keep one eye open at all times, but I think that most of us did.  Out of basic necessity.  I mean, we gotta have hope?  Right? Don’t we?

So I feel I owe you an explanation. ( I mean not really, because very few of us actually owe anyone anything, and the sooner we realize that, the better off we will be.) I feel I owe you an explanation, because I embarked on that optimistic journey at the end of 2020 and I didn’t deliver on it in quite the way that I had anticipated.  I pulled out a couple of posts, and by January, my cadence of intent had already slowed. I produce one more in February, and then...crickets.  And I am ok with that, but yet, I do want to explain.

In the in-between time I have written several posts in my mind.  Moments of clarity and inspiration, I have them somewhere.  But one thing that I know about myself is that I rarely go back and look at the prompts.  And so here we are today, and this is what is on my mind.

The bigger picture I suppose.  What the hell happened since February of last year, and why are my first few posts relatively….dark?  And is that my forever tone?

Nope.  But sometimes, Yup!

This time of year is always so JUICY for me!  I am sitting at the cabin in my totally happy place, listening to the birds, looking at the trees just beginning to peak here...the early Maples.  Sitting in my ‘happy place,’ and I am reflecting, like I have so many years gone by.  This is the beginning of the year end perspective.  The birthday time.  And the one coming is the big 5-0, so I think I am obligated to have some sort of existential crisis.  Right?!  Anyway, it begins.

One of the things that I am noticing, and bear with me on the thread here, is that my happy place is also like a ptsd trauma trigger.  It still brings me peace and joy, and the feelings of inspiration and potential.  But as I sit here, happy, content, feeling spacious, and grateful to have the time and the peace to sit down in this beautiful and safe space that we have created, that is just beginning to emerge into its full potential, I feel the remnants of ennui and anxiety and flat out trauma that I worked through here over the past two years. And in particular, it feels most intense, when I think of this past winter.  Winter 2021.  Now that was definitely not supposed to happen.

Healing is a strange process.  And I believe it is a process.  And we are never necessarily done.  I am actually an eternal optimist.  If I wasn’t, I just wouldn’t be here anymore, and that is just a fact.  I don’t mic drop those things for effect.  But the longer I live, the more I find that to live fully and continue to evolve, one shouldn’t gloss over things because they are uncomfortable, ugly, or dramatic.  Rather, we should embrace them as part of the elaborate fabric of being that we become, throughout the evolution of this mortal coil.  And, I also believe, and am sensitive to, not CLINGING, to every scrap of pain that we have ever experienced.  I would actually rather move on.  But it is a delicate dance. And that is the dance that I am dancing presently.

These dramas, these struggles, and the quiet, are part of the things that just must come out.  They are simply rising to the surface and moving out into the ether.  And with that there is a sort of freedom, a relief, a dropping off of stuff.  A letting go.

And it isn’t a dump.  And if you perceive it to be that way, then this simply isn’t for you, this isn’t a healing style that is going to help you.  My transparency is not for everyone.  And that is ok.  If this makes you scream “Hell no, this isn’t for me!” Then please move on. I do invite you to sit with discomfort and ask yourself why you are experiencing it, but whether you do, and  what you choose to do with it is up to you.  None of us has to digest content that doesn’t speak to us. (I realize that statement reveals  another ethical and existential concept right there...but we don’t have to solve for that here. Phew!) This is either your leisure time, your curiosity time, or part of your healing journey time, and if this isn’t speaking to you in any of those arenas, find something that pleases you more.  This is definitely going to be a theme of mine going further.  A couple of my teachers have said this really well. But in the context of hot yoga, one of them (Thank you Mary Jarvis)  said it directly:

‘You paid to spend 90 minutes in a hot room, why do you spend the whole time trying to get out of it?’

I think many of us do this in many ways, we metaphorically or literally sign up for things, and then complain about them the entire time.  Do we all just need something to complain about?

Sometimes, often, we do.  Do you know why? Because it is all a distraction from our own pain and struggle.  When we are really caught up in everything that is wrong outside of us, it is impossible to notice, much less impact, what is happening inside of us.  The same can be true of the inverse as well, a focus on what is wrong with self is just as paralyzing and ineffective.  Same same. For those playing along at home, where do you fall on this spectrum? There is much fruit here if you choose to examine it.

This is why I can’t stress enough, do some yoga, meditate, go fly fishing, become a hiker or a chef….do what Nick Offerman (One of my many heroes) says in “Paddle Your Own Canoe:” ‘ Make something!’

Do something that grabs your whole self, get completely absorbed in it, and forget about all the other crap.  Seriously! And if you had a thing, and something in life took it away, get used to it.  Sadly this mortal coil is a system of loss.  The people that inspire me the most, are the ones that adapt and change.  When something upsets our apple cart we can fret about it, or start to fix it, or sell something else.  But one thing is certain, suffering will never dig us out of suffering.

I digress, I digress, I digress.

2021 was not necessarily better.  And I am hearing that from other people over and over and over.  And you know what I think we are all forgetting, even though countless articles have been written about this concept? Is that we all lived through a collective trauma.  And we are still living it.  So when you don’t know why you aren’t better yet, or that person you know just can’t seem to get over themselves, can you take a step back for yourself or for others and remember compassion?  We are on a whole new playing field.  And it is like a new set up of the game of “Life.” Maybe you were on top, and now you are on the bottom.  Maybe you stayed level.  But somewhere along the way, there have been some trials, and hopefully some wins, but for some, some devastation that wasn’t anticipated.  

There is freedom in change.  And a lot of angst, fear, trouble, worry.  Doesn’t it just feel like we all have an anxiety hang-over?  And like it isn’t really going anywhere?  Like even when we have a warm day or a beautiful sunset or less bugs, it’s like oh yeah, the earth is on fire and we are all going to die?

So what do you do? Do you go to the beach, do you chase the sunset? Or do you start lobbying for climate change?  Or maybe a little bit of both?

True North Alignment.I still haven’t really said what I came here to say.
I am in the middle of it.
I am learning.
I don’t know my cadence.
I am not going anywhere.
If I listened to my fragile ego, I would quit everything.
My fragile ego is not my true north alignment!Neither is yours!