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I am a Hypocrite
I have this magnet on my fridge. It appears like a freeway, with several directional signs. The signs say:
- Exercisers who take smoke breaks.
- Animal rights activists who wear leather.
- Vegetarians who eat meat.
I immediately fell in love with it, and have had it on my fridge for what feels like over a decade. As I write this I am tearing up. Because it is so, so, so honest. And honest always feels like a relief. Such deep relief. To relax the guard. I read recently, that we are on guard so much, but that the one person we need to be deeply, truly, authentically honest with, is ourselves. That is the beginning.
I have an editorial or perhaps, critical, eye towards myself. However, honesty is not my problem. I am transparent to a fault. I have learned over time that not all transparency is good. When it involves other people’s honesty for example, that is their choice, not mine. That has been a hard learned lesson. And one I hope to honor, as I step out into more and more spaces with my own transparent truth.
I am transparent and honest and open. I am aware and concerned about how things look to others. I am empathetic. And I grew up in trauma. In trauma in a way where it wasn’t safe to be seen for the wrong reason. Other people made me wrong. The landscape was always shifting, and the reactions were harsh. What I learned was to constantly read the temperature of my surroundings, to essentially be in fight or flight 24/7, and that hiding was safer than existing. In fact, I spent much of my life trying to hide or not exist at all. And because that is so depleting, and exhausting and life-draining, I occasionally tried the alternative. I occasionally tried to really LIVE. So so many false starts. And so so many shameful smack-downs. As such, I went back into the shadows. I became the student, the assistant, the number 2. I learned to exist in any space where I couldn’t be ultimately wrong. Where I couldn’t be called out, smacked down, humiliated, and hurt.
For a few years now, and longer if I really trace the trail, I have been learning to come out of the shadows. With each new venture out, it is like pressing your toe against the ice over water. Step, press, listen, pause. Look, listen, feel for the cracks. For the ground shifting below your feet, ready to swallow you whole, never to be seen again. And what are those cracks? What is ultimately going to swallow me whole?
You are. Your opinions. You finding me out. Your discoveries, your criticisms, your condemnations, your quizzical eye questioning my tone. Your gaze upon my contradictions. Your lack of love and support. Your abandonment. And then I will die.
No, not really, but that is what it feels like. Sadly, the thing that keeps me from being everything that I could be, is still to this day, fear of getting it wrong, and fear of being condemned for it. And in my body, because of my past trauma, that feels like death.
Of course it isn’t reasonable at all. Reasonable it is not. Reason has little or nothing to do with it. We all have fear. So whether you come from ‘Trauma’ with a capital ‘T’ or not, we all have trauma. We all have fear. We are all afraid of the unknown. We are all afraid of something.
How appropriate it is that I am writing this in October. The month of Halloween. The month of fear. I have never understood the popularity of horror. And yet every year, for more and more of the year, that content seems to dominate the market. Well, I think I have just lived in fear for so much of my life, that I can’t bear to feel it any more than I have to. And maybe for others it offers catharsis. An opportunity to dance on that edge and embrace that fear. I have come to face my fears differently. I go to a different edge.
We are all unique like snowflakes, and unsolvable like infinity. But the themes that plague us, are very much the same.
While I don’t like to choose fear and suffering, I have been choosing intentional discomfort in favor of growth. I have been choosing to walk a little further out onto that ice.
As I embark on this new venture, and expose more and more of my innards in bigger and bigger ways, I want you to know that I am aware that I am a walking contradiction in so many ways. I live in an ‘AND’ world, rather than a ‘this or that’ one. I believe contradictory realities can and do exist. I tend to bridge worlds of opposites, and more and more, I am finding it is all just part of a deliciously juicy whole.
I share a lot about wellness, fitness, and health. Because these things have become my life line. AND I am a bit of a party girl, and even now, still struggle with the temptation of a social cigarette. I don’t know if I will ever be that pure snow white girl who exists on kale and air alone. And I don’t even know if I want to be. But I will share how eating primarily plant based and taking time away from all things industrial that we consume, can have a profound effect on your mind, body and spirit.
I love becoming more fit. I grew up around obesity and disease, and in some regards, it haunts me to this day. AND I am a body positive person, and find beauty in all shapes and sizes. I am particularly attracted to non-european, non-binary, non-twiggy expressions of beauty. AND I love a middle aged toned white girl of european descent, because that is one expression of my me-ness.
I believe in moderation, knowing what’s in your bank account, and dreaming from a solid foundation, AND I believe in magic, the law of attraction, and a non-newtonian view of the world.
I am a recovering Christian, and a recovering Atheist, who ultimately, and more and more shamelessly, believes in a spirituality that ties and binds and promises eternity for all.
I am extremely logical, and extremely fanciful. I work hard and I play hard, and I am a city mouse and a country mouse. I love a hillbilly campfire and a Parisian cafe.
I live in the in between places. Perhaps because the shadows were my home. The shadows and in between places raised me up. And most importantly, they taught me that definitive truth and rightness, is elusive, devisive, and often a waste of time. And that they have precious little to do with survival. Survival is the landscape in front of you. And to extrapolate that out, beyond survival, expression of life, is also myriad and infinite.
I am launching my website now. It is a re-birth. It is an unveiling. It is an offering. And it is exposing. My promise is that it is an honest expression of myself at any given moment in time. It just is me. So I offer it freely. I have a process. I have learned things. And I know that I am meant and bound to create and share. But in order to do that, I must face my fear and let go of my shame. My shame that I will be ‘found out’ as something. That I will contradict myself. That I will offend or be wrong. And that I will DIE from exposure.
So let me just say here, that I will do all of those things. I will be proven contradictory. I will fail to be inclusive. I will get something wrong. I may not speak to you, I may not be substantive enough, or have the right credential for you to take me seriously. You may find me a hypocrite. But I am not a hypocrite so much as a person coming both out of, and back into, myself. And integrating all of my parts as I do.
For the quiet ones, maybe still hiding in the shadows, I feel you. I wasn’t always brave. If anything I do or say gives you hope, I am serving my purpose.
For the rest, take what you like and leave the rest. I was going to say ‘I’m sorry.’ But I am done being sorry. Take me as I am, or go your own way. Without malice. But I must declare it now, or I never will. This is a turning point.
For what it is worth, here are my offerings, and I am so happy you are here!
Be Well! Tami (Wellbeing Junkie)